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It has been two years since I last attempted an update. For the sake of my own memories, I maintain other forms of writing.

This is merely a documentation of the events.

I'm in college. I have a great gpa. Nico is much older and still babbles, but his speech has improved greatly.
Perhaps I should write more often. Maybe I should just let this evaporate into space and maybe someone will find it and not have a single clue as to what it all meant.

When the time comes, it's all just words.

updates for the sake of me

for the sake of myself i've missed a lot. i've seen too much and now i know too little.
i'm alone now, but i have my son.
what a wonderful 19 months it's been being by his side and watching him grow.
i document everything. pictures and video all the time.
today he made his sandwich talk.

i can't see my best friend the same.
it's weird we remained so close
but the things he's seen, done, and been. they take a toll on him
i think they might on me.
just knowing who i was and how similar it was to who i used to know him to be.
i hope who he is will overcome all that.

cooking tomorrow. someone help :D


right now nico is being a wiggler on the couch and i just need some self time before 11pm.

umm i suddenly smell olives. weird

i live based on daytime tv. that's when i know naptime is because there is nothing decent to watch. i know it's midday when babar comes on and an hour before ian gets off work when Mash comes on
how lame.
i've been talking to crystal online. it's pretty awesome how she turned out. i'm glad.
my life is online or naptime

talking money issues with Tori


i've been awake since 5:45am.
i'm not so exhuasted, just drowsy.
Nico is finally asleep but now i'm too awake to fall back to sleep but too tired to do dishes. lame. oh well, at least i got to eat. toaster waffles... again.

nothing much new.
3 weeks old.
fussing. gas. feedings. changing. bath. nap. (not in any order)
ummmm... i dunno.

maybe i'll ask shanna to come over to help me clean again.

things i dislike so far:
1. smelling like old milk ALL THE TIME
2. getting phone calls from mom twice a day
3. the cheap pampers
4. having self time at 3am... actually i'm fine with it, it's just no one else is up :(
5. messy apartment
6. gas... it's the only thing that can keep him awake
7. how hyper the cat gets
8. not being able to handle the bills
9. how crappy my toaster is getting. i need to heat my waffle on 9 and then reheat on 4 in order for it to NOT be frozen
10. all three of us have allergies

i think that's pretty much it.
i stretched it because i thought it would be cool to have ten things

Changes. a journey into Motherhood

one week ago my world was brought to a halt, melted, exploded and reformed in a matter of minuets. it was probly the meds more than anything but it wasn't pain i was feeling.. i was just scared. in moments another human would inhale. one more than there was hours before. one more person to teach and learn from. i was scared of being tethered to another soul for as long as we live and nothing would ever change it.

but the second i saw his face, then the cry, then his body on mine... it all melted away. i won't be tethered. i won't be untrue. i won't feel bound and trapped. i'll feel love. i'll feel compassion and longing to protect and comfort. and each cry, helpful as it may be, needed to be soothed

i love my son more than anything.
tomorrow he comes home and my new life will begin

(as seen on myspace)


i'm cleaning the bathroom right now but the smell of the bleach is making my nose hurt..
so it's break time

the doctor said i'm already 2cm dialated so if i was any farther along next week she'd go ahead and induce me... hooray?

well, not too bad because the baby shower from my dad's side is this weekend and i'll for sure be getting a crib and borrowing a bassinet.
right now i'm working my hardest to do that nesting thing everyone keeps talking about but i just need help. ian thinks since he's at work all day it lands on me to cook, put everything away, do dishes, clean the apartment, do laundry and set up the baby's room

i'd really like some help but it always comes down to "but you're home all day"
i still need to set up my bag i'm supposed to take to the hospital
too much to do this week.
it also doesn't help that he never puts anything back when he uses it
i freak'n hate dishes... i'm going to tell him it's his turn when he comes home tonight

tonight is free night. meaning he is willing to go out and do something with me.
i have NO clothes that fit. .. i'm actually cleaning in my underwear and one of my really old torn up shirts that i'm amazed still fits me.
so yeah. where would we go? what would we do? i'm tired of feeling like we're always spending money. and i hate all food right now because it all tastes the same
it's either beef or chicken
pasta or salad
burgers or ice cream
pancakes or eggs

i'm bored with food.

i should rinse the tub now. maybe put things away and wipe down the mirror.
maybe look up a checklist for my hospital bag.

bored today

i'm bored.
my days off are just gaps of not working
and it's boring.
we haven't had a couples night in about a month so the human interaction card has gone down. the only time i get to leave the house is sundays when ian's mom comes over and we spend the day driving around not doing much of anything.
but i do like the days when things are broken by the occasional phone call or few hour visit.

ian and i are getting the Whited jeep on weds which happens to be the same day of my appointment. i'm kinda worried about it
i've been feeling much more pain than before... no one told me that the little things would hurt so i don't think they should.
just trying to fall asleep i just hurt all over and just breathing is hard.

but these are things i should discuss with the doctor
also the point at which i should stop working
wow. even typing is wearing me out
my heart rate is up.

i feel unhealthy.
like the things i should be able to do are so much harder. and i can't say "it's the baby" becuase i see huge pregnant women doing so much more. but when i see them i wonder if they think i'm too young. i also feel like they're upstaging me by being so active... then i remember they have cars and sit on their ass back and fourth so they have the energy to buy a gazillion baby things and still have time to set up the nursery.

i'm bored today
nothing is planned and i hate staying home.



i'm off all week.... how boring. ian just left for work and now i have not much to do. lame


working and standing on register all day.... for that i mean a good 5 3/4 hours
which is a lot for me
and it increases my heart rate and i don't think it's a good thing
fast fast fast transaction
price check
show cases
faster transaction

gosh it's a lot
and when i get home and after i make myself food to eat i plop down and feel wiggles wake up.
what a workout that is. it pulls all sorts of muscles when he starts rolling around
i'm not saying it doesn't make me happy
it's just exhausting

i think i'll nap
i'm off tomorrow and i still need to shop for christmas.
i'll need the rest



okay so i hate when the cat starts attacking my feet when i'm dead asleep.
lately she's been running out the front door and ian belives in spanking... i think he's too harsh on her. it doesn't matter if she can handle it, it matters if it's right.
i say no
but it's not my cat

i hate that i have nothing on my mind.
i feel like a chunk of furnature. i'm in this apartment all the time and i'm getting bigger
i'm bored

my medicaid card came it
WITH THE WRONG DOCTOR LISTED! i talkted to that damn lady and confirmed the doctor fifteen times

suppose to hang out with mom. we'll see how that goes